S.
3O January 1912 4O7 Brunswick Avenue Toronto
Dear Professor Freud:
«IP4,0»Your eagerly awaited and exceedingly welcome letter has just come. I take the inhibition indicated in it as the best token of your kindly feelings towards me, and I was greatly moved by this. How well you understand to bind men to you with ties of affection and gratitude; many an enemy has remarked with envy on the devotion you inspire in your followers, and their observation is quite correct. This especially holds in the most difficult task of all, when, as in my case, you have to check wrong tendencies. My attitude towards this is best illustrated by the following story about my first meeting with you (at Salzburg). I need not describe my anticipatory feelings, for you can easily imagine them. Mingled with them was an affect that I had always experienced on having to do with any authority or master, from school up, namely a certain dread and especially a fear of being blamed, of being found out in wrong‑doing; this arose from a strong guilt‑complex, the ultimate origin I now know well, but which until of late had given me more suffering than anything else in life. Well I had of course many personal impressions of you, but non was more vivid than an acute realisation, experienced for the first time in my life, that here was a man who, inspite of his authority and rank, would understand and not blame. I expressed it at the time to Trotter by saying that you were the only man of position I had ever met who knew what it was to feel young in heart, meaning that you had the power of comprehending the trials and difficulties of youth. I felt at the same time that I would listen to criticism and guidance from you in a way that I had never before been willing to from anyone. The more I have got to know you the plainer has become that first impression, and never more so than in your last letter, so that it is an instance where I can plume myself on my intuition. I can therefore assure you that any criticism you may give me will always be taken in the sense in which I feel you mean it, namely as being not so much blame as help and guidance for the future, and I can also say sincerely that I am genuinely desirous to improve both as regards my work and knowledge and as regards my character, being well aware of the need for it in both directions.
One of the things for which I am most grateful to psycho‑analysis for is that by the aid of it I have been able to get control of various wrong tendencies in myself, slowly and one after the other, and often after paying a high price for them, but in the end surely. The last year is the first that I have spent free from that terrible guilt‑complex, and I cannot tell you what this has meant to me. I know well how my heart would have beat if I had some time ago read your even slight allusions to my difficulties that you now mention, but this time it had no such effect. Indeed the tendency in question is I believe a matter of the past, though I know the danger of being overconfident about such things; nevertheless I have no Angst, and can look forward to the possibility of future complications and dangers without trepidation, which I certainly never could before.
Passing next to my Nightmare work, the feeling I have about your remarks is one of genuine sorrow that it was not better in your eyes, and also of considerable interest as to the nature of and reasons for the failure, but I am glad to say hardly any discouragement. Perhaps the latter may be due to a too‑great inner confidence. Namely I rarely feel satisfied with my work, but in this instance I must confess to have been pleased with the way in which some of the things came out in the investigation. Strangely enough even your disappointment with the work does not entirely shake my faith that it has some kind of value, and as it is exceptional for me to feel much pride in the things I have done I imagine that this must have some psychological foundation, and is not likely to be altogether due to conceited over‑estimation. I try to console myself with thinking that perhaps the aim I set out to accomplish was different from what you expected, etc. But the important matter to me is after all the opportunity of learning as to how I should have done it better, and if you would be so kind as to amplify your remarks about it a little I should be very indebted. For instance, regarding the deficiency in proof, what «MDUL»type«MDNM» of proof should I have developed?
With regard to the extracts from Nashe and the poem by Thomson there is a little misunderstanding. I sent them to you purely for your personal interest, and never meant them for the «MDUL»Zentralblatt«MDNM». I am glad you liked them. Possibly some of the former may be applicable in a future edition of the «MDUL»Traumdeutung«MDNM», for they are curiously suggestive. It was Professor Davidson, a patient of mine, who discovered the poem, and he talked about translating it into German (he writes German poetry) for the «MDUL»Zentralblatt«MDNM». However he has not yet done it.
My wife, I am very happy to say, has been of late rather better in health, etc., but this week she has been terribly upset over the following calamity. We have a little dog to whom she is passionately attached,«FN1.××The dog figures significantly as a child substitute as reported by Jones in his disguised autobiographical account, see Jones (1912c), «MDUL»Papers«MDNM», 1st ed. 1913, pp. 381‑385.» and he has been bitten by a dog in the last stages of furious rabies (diagnosis confirmed by microscopical examination). We are having him treated, at home, by Pasteur serum, sent from Philadelphia. This has to be sent twice a day for three weeks, and at present we are in a state of anxiety owing to the irregularity and mistakes of the agents. Much of our time is taken up with telegraphing and with making arrangements at the post office (where we have a special man told off to secure the packages), and so on. Luckily we have an excellent vetinarian. Unfortunately it will be several months before the danger will be past, and consequently the anxiety.
Thank you very much for your answers to my questions. There is nothing more to say about them except that I have not yet had the opportunity to make an analysis of the curious speech dream of Professor Davidson's, though I will try to do so if I get the chance.
You have no doubt got the letter I sent a few days ago, so that I have no more news at present. I hope to have the pleasure of another letter from you soon.
With again my best thanks and kindest regards, yours always Ernest Jones.
